** Personal Post **
Confession – I have had this post in my mind for a couple of years now. It will be by far the easiest post to type and the hardest one to make live on the blog. I finally decided to be honest, to share our story with the world, and to hang on for the rest of the ride.
I was talking to a dear friend the other day. A friend who recently conceived her first child, and then heartbreakingly lost the baby, and is now pregnant again with a tiny blessing. We were talking about the strange secret society that women have…and how sad it is. When women go through something devastating they feel so alone. It doesn’t matter how supportive your husband is, he just can’t understand the struggle the same way. But once you announce this struggle to a couple of friends, and the word starts to spread, its like everyone you know has gone through the same thing, or something similar…and you really aren’t alone. It’s comforting when you see that these friends have made it to the other side, and there is still hope for your dreams to come true.
(Insert Deep Breath and Anxiety Tears HERE) So here I am to tell my story. The story of a dream still waiting on God’s timing to come true.
My amazing hubs and I have been sweethearts since high school (thats a long story for another day), and I couldn’t have found a more perfect match. We got married over 10 years ago in a picture perfect day that I will never forget. We wanted a couple of years to just enjoy each other, get our feet up under our marriage, and grow our careers. Basically we needed to grow up before we had kids.
Fast forward 5 years, and we have bought our first home. We are both in graduate school, both teachers, two awesome pups, and everything looks great for starting a family. All of our friends keep saying things like “You two will be the first to have kids, we just know it!” A year goes by, and then two…
Fast forward to year 9 of our marriage…still no bambino…my heart is starting to break. I am absolutely in love with all the sweet babies that my friends have, but my heart breaks a little every time a new “I’m Pregnant” comes along. My heart breaks for me, my husband, my family. People keep asking “When are you two going to have a baby?” “You guys are going to be such great parents, what are you waiting for?” Well, folks, we aren’t waiting…we are struggling. Some comments, even though they aren’t meant to be, are very hurtful, “It must be nice to be able to buy a boat…a corvette…a Tahoe” “I remember how nice it was to just up and go travel without the kids.” Well, just so you know, I would trade places with any of those people in a heart beat!
As we continue to try to grow our family, we are still living life. Taking in a 14 year old (who changed our lives forever), getting a boat, our dream car, taking in a German Intern, and traveling any chance we get. All of these things have enriched our lives and we wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything in the world, but we still have a huge hole in our house….that baby’s room that still sits empty…waiting on our family to grow.
I have struggled so much with our fertility. I have questioned God. I have been angry, sad, devastated, heartbroken, hopeful, and defeated again. Then something happened this year. We joined a church that we love (another long story about the journey to find our church home), and I found a peaceful place with God. I was able to talk calmly to my hubs about our fertility and we began the newest part of the journey (our journey) to parenthood. I went through testing and hormone treatments, Hubs went through testing, and everything keeps coming out good. We are all clear, healthy, nothing to be worried about….so where is the baby!?
This past week we went to the final testing procedure. I underwent an HSG procedure at the hospital to see if my tubes were open or closed. The results of this test would help us make some big decisions about moving forward. I was terrified of the physical pain. I was told it would feel like birthing contractions – yikes! (and totally not fair). I was terrified of the results. What if I am the reason we can’t have kids?! I didn’t know how I would handle that. I spent a lot of time with God that week asking for peace. I just wanted to be able to stay calm and have a peace about the results either way. I believe that God has an amazing plan for our family and I just needed to put all my trust in Him.
So…the test went amazingly! I am all clear. Results were good. Tubes are open! Doc says try for a couple more months, and if we aren’t pregnant we can move forward with either adoption or an IUI procedure. But as I walked out of the room (with happy tears running down my face), she said “I don’t need to be the first call when you are pregnant…but I would like to be in the top 5” with a huge smile on her face.
So are we pregnant? Nope…not as I type this post…but I PROMISE we will tell the world when we are (or when we adopt!). We know that we have a special support system that will lift us up in prayers. We know that God’s timing is perfect.
I wanted to write this post for a few reasons: 1) Stop asking when we will have kids….we will have them when God is ready. 🙂 2) Stop thinking that you are alone in your struggles….if you are struggling with fertility you are most definitely not alone! 3) I also wanted to bring to light, that no matter how good someone’s life looks from the outside…everyone is working through a struggle on the inside. Remember that and treat others with compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience, and all of this with love! (Colossians 3: 12 – 14).